[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
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Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
anyone else like Italian cereal
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man