At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
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Yes, Pitbull, we are having a good time. Please stop asking every two minutes.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
The greeting cards that best express my sentiments for every occasion are the ones marked “Blank Inside.”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
why did everyone play the recorder in primary school what were they training us for