@TheAlexNevil

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

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@Ygrene

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

@Eagle_Vision

Yes, Pitbull, we are having a good time. Please stop asking every two minutes.

@MyPornKhan

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

@yonewt

The greeting cards that best express my sentiments for every occasion are the ones marked “Blank Inside.”

@JasonLastname

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

@katlynmearns2

why did everyone play the recorder in primary school what were they training us for