Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”