[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
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Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor