[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
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sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Oh. My. God.
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Bear knowledge
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Twitter remains undefeated
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.