Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

brian had himself a morning…

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

Blocked: 1985

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.