[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
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Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
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Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
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when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
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