Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

ㅤ

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

mom: what’d you do today?

christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole

mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

Body by sandwich.

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.