[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
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the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
What even happened today?
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.