[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
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I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Is anyone gonna tell them?
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
