Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.

They called him… The Juggler

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Uh oh…

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

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