Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

I have never heard an armadillo before.

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”