[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd




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Canadians have to stick together.

Really, it’s the massive amounts of maple syrup. They don’t have much of a choice.


I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”


Preparing a work evaluation for someone who adds shit to my day on a regular.

Wondering if “inbred whackadoodle” paints a full picture.


support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas


Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.


Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is


HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex


(CPR class)

Wife to instructor: What if my knees start to hurt?

Me to instructor: See what I’m up against?


the reason a snake bites you is because they are jealous of your beautiful legs


I measure my kids’ ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.