[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
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Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?