[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
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Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE