[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
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Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
look scared
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
translated into Canadian
wow
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were