Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

the last thing a carrot sees

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.