[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
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sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.