[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
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Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
barbara was highly relatable
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.