[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
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*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
When you let grandma cat sit
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.