[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
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“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.