Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

who wants to go expliring

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.