[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
You Might Also Like
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Bruh
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works