Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

Lmaoo 😂

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.