[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
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Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Sure. Why not?
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.