[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
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Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?