[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
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Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*