[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
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If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Every time.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.