[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
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The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.