[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
You Might Also Like
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
My dad is at it again
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper