[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
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Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol