Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

I have so many questions.

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

Happy thanksgiving!

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit

Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.

Rookie move.

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes