Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.