[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
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If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.