Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.