Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

best review i’ve ever seen

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.