Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.