[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
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Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
President The Rock Obama
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do