Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws