Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

Can’t. Sorry…

As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.