Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

Thursday Thought.

Just a phase…

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*