Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.

OMG 🤣🤣

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*