Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits