Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.