Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

“I FIXED IT!”

“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.