[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
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I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX