[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
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if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Weighing up my bread heating options
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.