Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

Today’s Times

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs