Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

The real reason evolution started..😂

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

Shoo shoo! 😂

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.