[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
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Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade