Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.