Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

Today’s tshirt

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

As the Lord intended

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted