Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

If my kids invented a drink.

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf