Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50

Yup

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own