Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

And now we wait

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

[saturday, 5am]

no one:

no one at all:

delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?