[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
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Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”