[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
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McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Challenge accepted.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.