Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

DATE: So tell me something about yourself

ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’

HER: I need to see other people

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

so weird how every mom was born today

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there