[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
You Might Also Like
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case