Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.