Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

I am never leaving this website

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.