[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
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The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
This kinda thing happens to me often
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Crying is a sign of leakness.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito