[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.