[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
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Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
*serious situation*
My brain:
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish