Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

The French cow says MEUX…

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”