Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”

There is no “ea” in Tim.

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

Me: *talking to teen daughter*

Teen: I can’t hear you.

Me: *unplugs WiFi*

Teen: I HEARD THAT!

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.