Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

I’ve had worse

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.