[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
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For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty