[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
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Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah