[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
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{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.