[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
You Might Also Like
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
bros in the example zone 😭
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps