Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.