[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
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WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Wednesday
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
