[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
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If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
could’ve been anyone
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem