[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
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boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Otters see a butterfly.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’