Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.