[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
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Alexa; make it look like an accident
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.